Wednesday, 18 September 2019

WHAT MAKES "GOOD SEX" GOOD?


I came out of my bedroom to the sound of applause and cheering. My housemates were waiting for me to do the ‘walk of shame’ downstairs after my one-night-stand had left. They played a clashing tune on the piano and sang a horrible song they’d managed to put together. (Yes, we had a piano in our student house. Yes, we pretty much exclusively made use of it at 2am after a few glasses of wine. Sorry, neighbours.) I’ll spare you the lyrics.

Mortified, I sat in the dining room hoping that one of the girls would change the subject. But I was bombarded with questions. My best mate asked me, “Was it good?” to which I replied, “Was what good?” She rolled her eyes, “The sex!”

It niggled me. Was she asking whether he enjoyed it? Or if there were any stand out moments? Was she wanting to know if we tried different things or stuck to missionary? Did she want to know if he came/ I came? I know she was only asking to probe details out of me, but it’s such a broad question.

I don't like the idea of someone else reviewing my abilities in bed and I believe that good sex isn’t necessarily dependent on the skills and party tricks the other person can pull. In fact, anything too ‘freaky’ is sometimes off-putting! It’s, for me anyway, far more about the shared experience; the way you mentally and physically feel throughout it.

So, I thought I’d put together a cheeky guide to – what I think – makes ‘good sex’ good.

ENTHUSIASM (CONSENT)

Enthusiasm is essential to having good sex. It communicates two things: 

1.      Your enjoyment

it is also, in my opinion, the sexiest thing about sex. There’s nothing better than knowing your sexual partner is enjoying what’s happening; and that they are actively wanting to pleasure you too… that’s pretty hot.

2.     Consent*

*Before I continue this section, I ought to clarify that if you aren't consenting then it is not sex. 

Enthusiasm can look like: moaning, kissing, being passionate, pulling, speaking, making eye contact, taking sexual initiative etc. All of these are, essentially, the foundations of 'good' sex. It sounds obvious, but a lack of enthusiasm or engagement is not only NOT SEXY but, guess what? It’s also your cue to speak up and ask if, actually, this is a good idea at all. Which brings me to my next point…

COMMUNICATION

The best way to find out if everything is okay and that your partner is enjoying themselves is. to. ask. 

Obviously, use your initiative – if they are screaming your name and looking pretty damn happy, then you maybe don’t need to check. Maybe.

It’s always nice to ask a quick “you ok?” or “still wanna do this?” In fact, as a rule of thumb, I’d say it turns me on more. I love to feel cared about during sex, like the other person is in tune with me, so even if they were just worried and wanted to check up on me, I’d totallllllyyyy be into it. It’s not embarrassing! It’s hot.

On the flip side, have the courage to speak out and say if something isn’t quite right for you; if something is hurting, uncomfortable, or you just want it to stop for no goddamn reason.

Communicating your wishes to stop is the main way your partner will know to do exactly that! Don’t put yourself through something you’re not enjoying because if you aren’t feeling all that enthusiastic about it… it’s likely that they are aware or not feeling that great about it either. Enthusiasm is sexy. Remember: if you’re not feeling it, then it ain’t worth it. 

Communication is also key to figure out what turns the other person on. Like, like likes. *wink face*. (I did put a wink face but it came across real creepy so I had to delete.) 

Find out what positions suit them best or tell them what suits you best, if that’s easier. Ask them if they enjoyed that thing you did with your tongue, make them cringe or laugh by asking them if they have a kink or fantasy, or simply something they want to try. This isn’t easy, and can be embarrassing at first. But the quicker you introduce this conversation into your sex lives, the quicker you will be pushing each other’s buttons the way you both like it. 

RESPECT

1.      Respect boundaries and limitations

The second someone says ‘No’, looks uncomfortable, or doesn’t want to participate, stop. Just bloody stop. If the other person has previously mentioned or communicated to you that they do not like something. Do not ever try and do it to them without their consent. If they say you are doing something in a way that makes it hurt or feel uncomfortable, ask them how you can make it better or, my favourite response: stop.

Respect their body and their mind. If the other person is only comfortable to do something with the light off, that is a limitation they are setting. Respect it. Do not push it. They have their reasons just as you have yours. If they state that they really do not like to do something or are nervous, be respectful and let them know it is absolutely A-OK to take their time or never do it!

If your partner suggests something that crosses a boundary for you, let them know. It’s a two-way system here (for the lucky ones, a three-way system), but the important thing to remember is: your pleasure, your desires, your wants are never beyond someone else’s boundaries (and vice versa). 

2.     Respect your partner’s choice of contraception.

If your partner is on birth control and still wants to wear a condom. Fine. If they choose not to be on birth control and only use condoms. Fine. If you don’t want to use a condom but your partner wants to, they’re telling you that they have a boundary that must be respected. Respect it. Simples. 

CONFIDENCE

1.      Show ‘em what you got

Fake it ‘til you make it ladies and gents because confidence is sexy. It’s almost a fact. I realise that confidence is also a bit like trust, it’s not something that happens overnight. It’s also our natural-born instinct to not be confident in these situations.

When you are stood naked in front of someone, how can you not be conscious… Are they looking at that weird mole on my hip? Oh my god, they can see the rash on my butt! Cellulite, rolls, stretch marks, scars, pubes, fat, bones, spots and weird birthmarks. You name it. They can see it, right? BUT I cannot express this enough. If you are in a bedroom with someone and they want to have sex with you, that means your naked body in all its natural glory is not only good enough, it’s fucking BEAUTIFUL. You are the sexy thang they chose to go to bed with. Now, if that’s not a reason to climb aboard and show off what your mama gave you, I don’t know what will be.

2.     Be confident to let yourself have a good time!

Body confidence isn’t the only confidence. Just being confident enough to talk, to ask, to speak to the other person during sex is an important part of having a positive experience.
Allow yourself to really let your hair down and enjoy yourself; don’t worry about anything other than YOUR time. 

As a species we are quite intuitive beings: we can sense each other. If you allow yourself to relax and be comfortable, they’re likely to relax too. I promise that they won’t be thinking anything other than: Omgggggg I am having SEX right now, yeeesssssss! So, you may as well stop worrying about that birthmark or that sound you made because they def-in-itely won't be.

Love, George xxx

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